Culpable

What if the church’s adoption of cultural paradigms related to marriage is setting up our singles for spiritual failure? The more honest people are with me, the more passionately I believe the Church is partially responsible for the spiritual failures of untold millions in our churches.

There is a couple that I know that has been married for over 70 years. They have been in ministry for all of that time. They met in a revival service - he was the preacher and she was playing the piano. They were married a few months later. After more than 70 years, they still demonstrate what it means to love sacrificially.

When I talk to people who profess faith in Christ today, their view of marriage is not optimistic. They generally believe that they will live together before marriage. They do not have a deep sense of optimism that they will be married until death separates them. They have no interest in waiting until marriage to have sex. These thoughts are not representative of a Biblical worldview and are not a reflection of the selfless love of Jesus, who is the model for love in marriage. So what do we do?

First, if you follow Jesus and you are married, keep the promise that you made to God and your spouse.

If you are addicted to alcohol, pornography or some other addiction, stop living in the shadows. Stop living in fear. Make a confession of your sin and seek immediate help. Keep your promise to God and your spouse.
If you are flirting with the idea of adultery, stop immediately. If that person is at church, go to another church. If that person is at work, get another job. Don’t tell me what you cannot do. Keep your promise to God and your spouse and take action to stop moral failure that destroys familiies.
If you are falling out of love or no longer love your spouse, learn your spouse’s love language, their enneagram number, and their personality type so you can do what they need to hear that you love them. You will be tempted to justify inaction based on what you have already tried. Your promise to God is worth another try. Keep your promise to God and your spouse.
If you are abusive (physically, emotionally, etc.), seek counseling immediately. Seek accountability immediately, Repent immediately. Stop the behaviors immediately. Mourn and lament before God and His church and be transformed by the Spirit in your inner being. Keep the promise you made to God and your spouse. Your spouse should never be faced with trying to decide if they should stay in an abusive marriage. This is your problem so fix it now.
Our singles need to see the power of God to redeem marriage again. I have been married 30 years and the length of my marriage should not be rare. If you are already divorced, commit that if you marry again, you will keep your word to God and spouse. None of us are beyond the healing and redemptive grace of God.
Let me conclude this section to recognize there are those who have had divorce thrust on them against their will. You can still testify to the power of God’s grace to keep His promise to you, even when your spouse did not. Healing exists for you in the deepest places of your heart.

Second, we need to stop placing barriers between couples and marriage.

We have been placing barriers between couples and marriage because of the tendencies related to the first point above. If we get the first point right - keeping our promise to God and our spouse, we can then move to this point.
No, the couple does not need to finish college first. No, the couple does not need to get their career established first. No, the couple does not need to be dating a year before they get engaged. No, the couple does not need to be engaged a year before they get married. No, the couple does not need time to plan a big wedding. No, they do not need to have everything resolved before they get married. Why…
Because while we are telling single couples to get their act together, many / most are having sex before marriage. They then will gather with other believers, sing the songs, raise their hands in worship, serve in some capacity and everyone will say what a wonderful example they are and how proud of them we are and they hide in secret because they don’t want to ruin the perception that everything is good in their lives and relationship. They wind up alone and miserable and we wonder why they continue to live in secret after they get married and run into marriage problems.
How about those who have been through marriage hell and found that the Spirit is powerful enough to transform stand beside these young couples and show them what keeping your promise to God and each other is all about. How about we stand with them and mentor the couple, disciple the couple, create safe space for them to be open and honest about their spiritual struggle for purity. That leads me to the third idea.
I am not suggesting that every couple currently dating in our congregations should immediately get married. However, I do believe that we need to make it safe to break up if we clearly know there is no way I could be with this person for the rest of my life and we need to make it okay for that couple to get married if they do want to make a commitment to each other until death separates them.

Third, we surround newly married couples with married couples who know the sacrifice and joy of keeping your promise to God and your spouse.

I have written in other blogs of the church’s struggle with discipleship and accountability. We need to see dating couples in dynamic relationship with married couples. The purpose is to help them quickly determine if they are compatible with each other and if they are, help them make the journey toward marriage. If the couple is not compatible then celebrate the breakup.
Once it is determined they are compatible, let’s counsel them for marriage and see they get married. It makes no sense to delay marriage when a couple is on the path toward marriage. Only one thing happens when we delay - the likelihood of sexual temptation overcoming the couple rises each day.
Now let me be clear…I do not believe it is impossible to resist temptation. However, our singles have more opportunity to be alone, have more means to prevent pregnancy, have less understanding of the spiritual oneness that takes place in sex, have seen more sex in media than my grandparents could imagine, hear lots of talk about sex from their friends (especially, “What are you waiting for?”), and hear very little ever said in the context of the church about sex other than, “don’t.” It is our context that is broken. My solution is radical, open, transparent, promise-keeping discipleship.

I will end by saying these comments, while geared to legal adults, are incomplete. These thoughts need significant development but they are a starting point for what I hope is a conversation in local contexts. It is my hope that a married couple will use these comments as a starting place for a disciple-making relationship with a dating couple. It is my hope that a dating couple will reach out to a married couple to seek a disciple-making relationship with a married couple. It is time to shine a light on what is really going on in the shadows of the lives of the singles among us and to disciple a new path forward.