Love & Marriage
Yesterday Miriam and I were in Sams Club buying some picnic food for our Life Group that is gathering at my home on Sunday. For some reason I was leading the way and when I lead the way in a grocery store it usually results in our aimless wandering all over the place to find what we need. When Miriam was questioning my direction I heard a retired age woman say to her husband, “Could you have put the cart in a better place than the middle of the isle?” as we worked our way around them. I smiled knowing that both of us were having a “marital moment.”
Miriam and I have been married for almost 24 years. We have laughed and cried together. We have moved five times. We have misunderstood each other a time or two - whose counting! These days we find ourselves mentoring and coaching couples preparing for marriage or those just recently married. We are having the time of our lives! However, we also know couples who are struggling. What is it that married couples must remember if they are to live in the heart of God’s plan for their home?
- Remember your wedding day promises. On your wedding day you told God, your spouse and your friends and family that you would love the other in sickness and health, for better or worse, for richer or poorer and that you would forsake all other relationships for the one you were marrying. Sometimes we can forget the promises we have made. Commit today to keep your wedding day promises.
- Remember the selfless love of Christ. Jesus has modeled for us the kind of love that makes for a great marriage. Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped but he emptied himself and hung on a cross. In the same way, we are to empty ourselves for the benefit of our spouse. Our responsibility is to love selflessly. Commit to a selfless love today.
- Remember that feelings always follow actions. I have never met a married person who feels passionate love for their spouse without also meeting a person who is actively loved. Every couple who no longer feels in love, quit acting on their love a long time ago. Our promises and the selfless love of Christ calls us to act on love regardless of our feelings. However, when we act on love, the feelings are sure to follow. Commit to intentional and regular expressions of love.
- Identify and terminate marital leaches. Every marriage can unknowingly acquire leaches that drain the life out of your marriage. Leaches usually come to us as innocuous and harmless things but always transform into things that rob us of joy in our marriage. Removing leaches can be painful. However, removing them is always less painful than the delusion that they can be ignored. Do everything necessary to remove marital leaches.
- Remember to relax. Marriage is full of changing seasons. Newlywed couples feel what they feel for a season. Parents of infants often wonder if they will ever sleep again. Parents of toddlers wonder if their house will ever be clean again. Parents of teenagers wonder if they will ever be sane again. Empty nest couples come to realize that they are very different than they were the day before they found out they were going to be parents. Retirement also brings new realities to marriage. Remember to relax in each season. If you love selflessly you will make it through each season. If you relax while you love, you might just enjoy each season.
- Remember to speak the right language. One of the greatest helps to couples is knowing how the other receives love. I encourage every couple to take the free online 5 Love Languages quiz so they can understand how their spouse receives love. Our default is to give love like we enjoy receiving love. This only works if you and your spouse have the same love language. Once you have a clear picture of how your spouse receives love you can actively engage in loving the other knowing that it actually will matter to them. Remember to speak the right language.
There are a lot of other things we could consider together but if we begin with these six key points we will go a long way to strengthening our marriage. Now close the device you are using to read this and go actively love your spouse. You won’t regret it!